Fear of Visibility? Look Out for the Light Dimmers Responsible
There’s an old Japanese proverb about the nail that sticks out gets hammered down. And I think that sentiment is at the root of a lot of women entrepreneurs’ fear about something that all businesses need: visibility.
In this episode, I talk about how we get to a point of being afraid to speak up and show out. I’m also sharing how I handle this fear when it shows up.
2:35 - What light dimmers are and the role they play in your story
3:57 - Why competence does not equal confidence
5:47 - What to do when faced with your fear of visibility (and the client that helped me get past mine in my pole studio-owning days)
9:25 - Something I have on hand when the fear shows up that can help you too
11:15 - The first light dimmer I experienced as a kindergartener
Find me on Instagram or LinkedIn or email me at hello@lesliedlyons.com.
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Transcript for Fear of Visibility? Look Out for the Light Dimmers Responsible
Hey boss, I am Leslie Lyons, your embodied leadership and sales coach, and this is Pleasurable Profits. This podcast is ideal for owners and leaders of tattoo shops, permanent makeup studios, cannabis businesses, movement studios, sex toy shops, and other industries that are too often left out of the leadership conversation. If you’re looking for a woo meets strategy approach to defining your strengths and values, designing a business that supports you, and creating a soul-driven, and of course, pleasurable plan for profitability, then let’s get started.
I'm Leslie, your embodied sales and leadership coach. How y'all doing? I'm doing well. I'm so glad you asked. My crew is such a polite bunch. Well, this week I want to talk a little bit more about women and selling. I know you're like, “Leslie, what's new? That's all you talk about.” Facts. Because I'm going to talk about it until there are more women making more money than they ever could imagine. Until that happens, I'm going to talk about it forever (in my Cardi B voice.)
In all sincerity, I was thinking a little bit more about women in selling and specifically what makes us uncomfortable around selling. One of the things that I think is that we have a fear, a valid fear by the way, of visibility. We have a fear that when we speak up, we will be hammered down. You see, there's a Japanese proverb that says the nail that sticks out gets hammered down. When I first read that proverb, I was like, “Oh, let me tell you something, being an Enneagram Eight, I'm a nail that you’re going to step on and you need a tetanus shot. If I will be a nail, I will be a rusty nail. This will cause you a problem.”
But I know that's not the average response that people give when they think about being hammered down. So it got me thinking about how do we get to places where we're afraid to speak up, show up? I have a theory. Stick with me. I call these people and these events light dimmers. You see, we all were born with the light. We were all born to shine. But somewhere along the line, you will encounter people or events that attempt to dim that light. I call those people the light dimmers.
I was thinking about this in the context of how stories are written. Every story has a hero. Guess what, that's you, you are the hero of your life. Keep that in mind when we get to this later. Then Every hero has a guide. That's me if you choose me to be your coach. But what makes a story really good is the villain. There is a villain that needs to be fought. For us as women who are looking to show up as salespeople and sell and advocate for what we do, our villain is these d*mn light dimmers. We gas to get over people and things that take away our shine, because it's keeping you small.
Now one of the things that when I'm starting to work with very successful women—women who have already started to have some success in their businesses, they're making decent money, notice I didn't say the money they want, but they're making decent money, so they're beyond the survival point in their business—is that I talk about them having the confidence to sell. You should see the looks, the way that women turn up their nose, especially the more degrees they have, the more years of corporate experience they have, they look at me like it looks to kill, their eyes are daggers. Who am I saying lacks confidence?
What I found is that these experts confuse competence with confidence. I am not arguing with you about you being qualified. I'm not arguing that you got more degrees than the thermometer and how much experience you have. Your expertise is not up for debate, sis. I'm there with you. You have accomplished and that’s a lot, but that is confidence.
When we talk about courage and confidence to show up is when you stop hiding behind credentials and start making it a priority to advocate for your work. That takes courage, which then gives you confidence to show up and do it over and over again. We're not challenging your competence, but I am calling b*llsh*t on your confidence because if you were confident, you will be showing up and advocating for your work all the time. Let's just put that in context.
One of the things that I want to encourage you when you are coming up against this fear of visibility, this fear of speaking up and actually selling your service or product is to think about how important your work is in the world. Think about your competence. Think about how much time and effort has gone into creating this amazing product or service.
Think about it. Acknowledge how much you've invested in it. Let's just sit there with that for a moment. Then think about who you created this product or service for and what their lives are like right now without you in it. Seriously, I want you to take a moment and visualize that woman right now.
I know when I owned a pole studio, what helped me was I would think about women literally who were waking up every morning hating the body they were in, in a relationship with a very, very vile man who was feeding nothing but negativity and pumping poison into her veins with his words. That target customer for me was actually a real client of mine at one point many moons ago.
I'll never forget, she came into her third class with me. She was running in a little bit late and she was all flustered and she was just like, “Oh my god, Leslie. I had to get here,” and I'm thinking to myself, “Yes, she's valuing her me time, she's prioritizing who she is. That's what this is about. That's why I'm doing this.” I'm like, “Oh, I’m glad you're here.” She was like, “Yeah, because on my way out the door, my husband was like, ‘Are you going to pole class tonight?’ I was like, ‘Yes,’ he was like, ‘Good because you look like a fat cow. Make sure you get to class.’”
Holy sh*t. I don't know what I would do if my husband even looked like he was going to form his lips to say something like that to me. Now I don't have those problems because I'm married to one of the sweetest, most considerate men, godly men. [inaudible] But I just couldn't even imagine if I did have a husband who spoke to me in that way.
When I started to think about her in particular, and all the other women who don't think of themselves enough, that they would stay in these types of relationships that are constantly demanding who they are, it made me get out there and sell my pole classes. It made me get out there and advocate for my work.
It starts with your credentials. What we talked about, y'all got that, you know your credentials, you believe in it. You know how much time you've invested. But let's move it over to can you actually envision what that person's life is like before they meet you? Then the beautiful part of the story is, what is their life like after they experience you and your product and service? What is the end result?
One of the things I keep at my desk is what I call a little brag file. It's a file full of testimonials that I've gotten over the years and the different careers that I've been in—even going back to my corporate days—of people who took the time to acknowledge me in writing for something I did.
When I am feeling down, when I am feeling scared, when I'm feeling fear, trepidation around showing up, I look at those letters because they remind me that people's lives are better when you do what God put you here to do, and that motivates me to do the thing that maybe I don't feel like I really want to do or I'm scared to do.
Going back to the villain, the light dimmers, what they hate is that when they try to extinguish your light, the embers of the fire still get right back up. You know how if you've ever been out camping, and you think you put out a fire, you extinguished it but the embers are still there and a spark back up, that's what light dimmers forget that they can try to snuff you out, but just like those little embers in the fire, you are going to spark back up and they hate that.
When you think about who's trying to dim your light, whether it’s a spouse or parents, friends, or society who has made you feel that it's not safe to speak up, spark up again. My very first light dimmer actually happened when I was in kindergarten. I’m going to say her name because you know what, I don’t protect the guilty, we change names to protect the innocent, I won't change names to protect the guilty. I'm naming them.
But what was interesting was that she was my kindergarten teacher. Her name was Mrs. Lofton. When I was a little kid, we went to the bathroom by gender, so all the girls lined up on one side, all the boys lined up on another, and the most prized position was the line leader.
Do you all remember this? Are y'all old enough to remember this? I just turned 50 by the way, and I've been reflecting a lot on my life and kind of just who's made me the woman that I am now as I'm entering my chrome years, but I'm going to be a juicy chrome. This is one of the stories I thought about.
I remember we were getting ready to go to the line and somehow I misheard Miss Lofton. Miss Lofton was a very pretty woman and I remember her, she was so unique because she had freckles. She was a light-skinned black woman with freckles. I remember her face so clearly, because I had never seen a black woman with freckles before so she had a very unique look. She stuck out in my mind and I thought she was very pretty.
I remember that being a little girl, I looked up to Mrs. Lofton which I think makes the pain even worse. A lot of times the closer you are to the light dimmer, if your light dimmer is a spouse or a parent, the more it stinks. I somehow misheard Ms. Lofton and marched my little self up to the front of the line. I remember looking at the people on the line like, “Peasants, I am here. I am the line leader today.” I turned my little stuff around, my little pigtail swung, and I was ready to march out into that home.
But to my chagrin out the corner of my eyes, I saw Mrs. Lofton out the corner of my eye. Her face had a scowl on it. She was walking towards me and when she got to me, she took me by my ear—yes, this was back when teachers could put their hands on you—she took me by my ear and she physically walked me to the back of the line, put me in place and said, “This is where you belong. I did not tell you to get in the front of the line.”
My very first light dimmer that I can remember, my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Lofton, literally put me in my place. You have probably had an incident like that at some point. This week, I want you to sit and unpack that. Think about it. Who was your first light dimmer? But then once we acknowledge something, that's when we can start working on it. I want you to take your power back. Remember who you are. Remember who you're doing this work for and just like the embers in the fire, when they think they snuffed you out, spark back up on.
If you need some help, you know how to reach me hello@lesliedlyons.com, or you can always DM me on Instagram @lesliedlyons. You know where to find me. Until next week. You stay well. Spark up on them. I want you to tag somebody in this episode. Send this episode to somebody, tag me in it, and say, “Spark up on them.” Don't let them keep you down this week. Until next time. Grace and peace.