Breaking the Taboo: Why Successful Women Need to Reevaluate Their Intimate Partnership-Business Balance
In this episode, titled "Relationship Series: Desire to Be Cared For," we will be diving into a topic that may be considered risky but is important for women who desire long-term relationships. As we approach the holiday season, it's essential to address the potential strains that can arise in relationships, especially around money and unrealistic expectations influenced by movies. Join me as we explore navigating these challenges and creating fulfilling partnerships. So, if you're ready to embrace your desires and strengthen your relationship, let's get started on this exciting and candid journey.
[00:07:37] Be mindful of what you consume, especially media.
[00:11:05] The Key is mindset, communicate after unpacking feelings. Desire for relationship: worth fighting for? Determine desired relationship. Prepare for truth.
[00:12:49] Beyonce, feminism has messed up desires.
[00:17:07] Privilege shaped my relationships; resentment ensued.
[00:23:03] Start a conversation on relationships, desire, and support. Share thoughts, be honest. Tough but fruitful series, find peace.
Find me on Instagram or LinkedIn or email me at hello@lesliedlyons.com.
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Transcript “Breaking the Taboo: Why Successful Women Need to Reevaluate Their Intimate Partnership-Business Balance”
Leslie:
Hey, boss. I am Leslie Lyons, your embodied leadership and sales coach, and this is Pleasurable Profits. This podcast is ideal for owners and leaders of tattoo shops, cannabis businesses, movement studios, sex toy shops, and other industries too often left out of the leadership conversation. If you're looking for no BS approach to defining your strengths and values, designing a business that supports you, and creating a soul driven and, of course, a pleasurable plan for profitability, then let's get started. When he fucked me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster. I slay drop him off at the mall, let him buy some jays, let him shop up. Hey, party people. Welcome to this week's Pleasurable Profits.
Leslie:
In case you're new here and you're wondering why I started off by singing a very poor rendition of Beyonce's formation, stay tuned. My name is Leslie. I'm an embodied sales and leadership coach. I work with female leaders who want to have a business filled with pleasure and power. I am so glad you're here. For those of you who listen every week or it seems these days, every other week or so, now that I'm back in school, I appreciate you being here. And this is probably going to be one of the Riskiest series that I've ever recorded. And it's one of these things where I feel like I can't tell the clients who I've coached all these years about being fully expressed in their voice, sharing their values and what matters to them, and then me play it safe, especially when I'm playing it safe around something that I know could help certain types of women.
Leslie:
So we're going to jump right on into this week's podcast. I pray you're doing well. I'm doing all right. I'm tired. School is whooping my butt, okay. I don't even lie to you. And I've put some pretty stringent requirements on myself. I have always prided myself on being a good student.
Leslie:
I don't feel like I'm that smart. I'm not one of those people who feel like I'm just this intellect and all of that. I've always been an above average student, but not because I was naturally smart, but because I work really hard. And I feel that trickling into my graduate studies as I prepare to become a chaplain in this last phase of my life. Some people call it their second act. Hell, I'm calling this my last act. So as I feel the Lord has called me to chaplaincy. But these classes are hard, y'all, and I'm tired, which is why this podcast is going to be irregular.
Leslie:
I'm just going to be honest and put that out there because I'm actually recording these when I have time, which I don't have a lot of these days. But anywho, we're going to jump on in because this is one of these things that I've kind of hinted at at the past, hinted at in the past, but I'm really going to dive in no holds barred at all. And if you don't want to listen to this type of stuff, now is your chance to opt out. It's a beautiful thing to have choice, because what I'm not going to do is mute myself, because I know that this can free some women. So I'm going to be very candid. This podcast is for women who want to be women who desire to be in relationships, long term relationships, committed relationships, marriage. That is who I'm talking to. So if you are in a committed relationship, or if you desire to be in a committed relationship, you can learn something from this.
Leslie:
If that is not your stage in life, don't waste your time. Listen to the next 30 minutes or so of this podcast. Go ahead and log off, because I am only speaking to the women who have a desire for partnership. I'm not placing judgment on those of you who don't desire partnership. Matter of fact, I applaud you. I celebrate that. But I'm not talking to you. Just to be clear, it's nothing like a good understanding, as my mother would say.
Leslie:
So what brought this up? For me, it is this time of the year where we are getting ready to go into the holiday season. And I think I have shared before that I have a friend who is a divorce attorney, and they actually in the divorce business. She would kill me here. These call it the divorce business, but hell, that's what it feels like. She has a business that's based off of divorce, like she's a divorce attorney. If you all not getting divorces, she ain't making no money, period. But one of the things that she told me is that the busiest time of the year for her is the new year. They actually have a term for it.
Leslie:
Y'all. Y'all ready for this? It's called Blue Monday. It's January 6. Typically that first Monday after the new year. And it's so busy because so much happens over the holiday that can put strain on a relationship. It brings the trouble and the issues that may have been going on to your front door. So what do you mean, so? For an entrepreneur, this time of the year, especially in the business that I'm in and a lot of the clients that I serve, we see dips in revenue around this time of the year always say it's hard as hell to compete with Santa Claus. Okay? You can't compete with Santa Claus.
Leslie:
So as you're seeing dips in revenue, one of the two big reasons that couples separate or divorce is typically money and sex. That's just the truth. And so us as entrepreneurs, especially if you call yourself the breadwinner, meaning that you carry the weight of the finances in your household, when you see dips in your revenue, child, that shit shows up in your relationship. And so when it shows up, the stress of the finances, it can fracture. I would say a strong relationship, but it can completely break a relationship that's already fragile. And so you've got the weight of that. Like revenue is dropping, but my expenses aren't. How do you deal with that, the issues around money? The second thing that I think becomes very apparent over the holiday season, especially for woman folks, is you sitting around watching Hallmark movies all damn day.
Leslie:
You glued to Lifetime, right? So you watching these Hallmark movies that paint these picture perfect relationships, right, where the husband comes home and they make passionate love while they drink hot cocoa in front of the fireplace. And you're like, my relationship ain't nowhere near like that. I want to be whisked off my feet. I want to just snuggle in front of the fireplace. And instead you all arguing in the kitchen, right? So it seems silly, but we have to be very careful about the types of material we consume, especially when we're under stress. People might feel like I'm stretching, but let me tell you, I've done women's ministry for a long time. And I always tell people, you have to protect your eye gates, you have to protect your ear gates, meaning you have to protect what you consume, because there are things that take root, little seeds that are planted, that show up. And it seems like something as innocent as consuming Lifetime movies, bad Lifetime movies, okay? Or to be if you got to be Chow, the movies that be on to be I can't wait to see what they come out over the holiday with.
Leslie:
Those are low budget movies. But you do have to be careful about it, right? It's like because it can have you thinking that your relationship should be drastically different than what it is. It's fantasy. But that's a reason that people get a divorce. They start looking at their relationship and saying, I desire more. I want something different. Which brings me to the final point that I'm going to bring up around why people get a divorce, according to my girlfriend, is that that New Year, new me, and you ain't coming with me. I hate to laugh, but when I look at stuff that I write down to say, y'all, I chuckle to myself, but I'm like, New Year, new me, and you ain't coming with me.
Leslie:
It really is the time of the year where we start looking into the new year. And one of the things that I do with private clients, meaning one on one clients, is I give them the wheel of life every year. And basically one of the quadrants that they rate themselves on is their relationships. How are you thriving in your relationships right now? And I can't tell you how many clients rate themselves extremely low in the relationship quadrant. And you might think if you're looking at a client and you're talking to a client and they've given themselves a really low score in their romantic relationships, you might think that I jump to the Esther Pearl advice of kind know communication, right? Like, have you communicated your needs to your partner? Have you let them know what it is that you want? That sort of thing. And I'm not trying to be funny because absolutely any relationship coach therapist worth their salt is going to talk to you about open communication. I'm not a relationship therapist, but I am an entrepreneur who has been married for almost 25 years. And so I know what it's like to have to actually walk this out.
Leslie:
And while communication is key, I think we need to address our mindset before we can get to communication, right? Like, we've got to unpack how you feel before you can have a conversation with someone else about how you want to be treated. If you're taking notes, write that down. Before I can tell somebody how I want to be treated, I need to know how I feel. And so I want to talk about what is it that you desire for your relationship? I start at the beginning by saying this podcast is only for those of you who desire to stay coupled, who desire to stay partnered, who desire to stay married. So that's the first thing that you must decide is, is this relationship worth fighting for? Do I want to be in this relationship? Because if you don't, that's a whole nother conversation for a whole nother day for someone else, actually. But if you've decided that this relationship is worth investing in, the next thing we got to determine together is what do you desire that relationship to look like? Here's the thing that's going to piss a lot of you all. So put your left hand over your heart, put your right hand on top of it. Take a big deep inhale through your nose, exhale into your heart space, because this is getting ready to be some truth.
Leslie:
Okay? I think that Beyonce and feminism and all of that beyonce is just the archetype for feminism, for me, has really fucked a lot of us up in terms of what it is that we desire versus what it is we feel safe to express and still being able to hold on to our feminist card, our strong woman card. What you talking about, Leslie? What you talking about, Willis? I meet so many female entrepreneurs, and keep in mind, I've also been coaching women before I knew what coaching was when I was just serving in ministry. It's been over 20 years, y'all, and I meet so many women who are just tired. Hell, I know what it was like when I was tired in our relationship. You know, that tired that feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, like you're just caring so much. And when you label yourself the breadwinner, meaning that the bulk of the financial responsibility is on you, that's a lot of stress. It's a lot of pressure. It's things that you didn't necessarily sign up for, but the circles that you run in, them boss bitch circles, everybody.
Leslie:
I'm doing all the things, those circles, they make it feel like if you have a desire to be cared for, if you have a desire for your partner to chip in financially, if you don't want to be the breadwinner, like you don't want to carry all the bills in your home, you prefer for your spouse to do that. That somehow you're a weak woman. Somehow that's antiquated archaic, patriarchal thinking. But the fact is you want that. Let me speak for myself, because I always feel like transparency is good for the soul when I come to my relationship now. And I've always made more money than my husband guys, always. So before I even started my own business, I was in sales. My husband is a graphic designer.
Leslie:
He's always been a graphic designer. He's a graphic designer, supervisor or a manager, but he's always still a graphic designer. He isn't making tons of fucking money. He's not an anesthesiologist all. And so as a sales rep making a couple of hundred thousand dollars a year, I've always made more money than him. And I know, though, that I wanted to be in a relationship where if I could not work, or better yet, if I chose not to work, that my household wouldn't fall apart. And you see, I know what impacts my values. I wonder if, you know, my mom was a stay at home mom and my dad was the breadwinner, if you want to use that term.
Leslie:
My dad is the one who had a job outside the home because it's why I hate that word breadwinner. Because my mother carried a lot of weight being a housewife. She carried a lot of emotional labor. There was a lot of things she did, physical labor. She just wasn't compensated for it with cash. So both of my parents worked. That's how I saw it. But I know what it was like to not have to leave my home to see my mother make her home a priority, therefore making us as her children, a priority as opposed to working outside of the home.
Leslie:
And that is a value for me. It's not a right or a wrong thing. I'm not here to talk about women staying home to raise kids versus working. I'm not talking about that. I'm just sharing what my reality was, the privilege that I saw and how that shaped me when I went into my romantic relationships, specifically my marriage. And so I had come to resent the fact that my husband and I had built a life that was dependent upon my income to sustain it. Can I just be honest with you all? And what do you think resentment does when you resent your partner? It ain't good. It's some nasty little seeds that are being sown all over the place.
Leslie:
And it wasn't until I came to grips with, you want to be taken care of. You don't want to have the burden of the finances all on you. When I own that desire and just stripped away all the feminist thinking, all the I'm going to be weak if I depend on a man. I don't want to depend on a man. And that just is crazy. Come on, y'all. Can we just talk for a moment? This is someone you committed your life to. If you're married to death, do you part? That's a part of your vows, unless you changed your vow.
Leslie:
What kind of thinking is that to feel like, I'm going to be dependent on this man? I don't want to be dependent on him. Then what the hell you get married for? Marriage is about dependence. It's about support. It's about having someone in your corner. You got to reframe your thinking around, what does it mean to be coupled? Dependence is a factor there. I wanted a relationship. I desired a relationship where the money that I made was just a bonus, right? The money I made could go into investments. The money I made could go into creature comforts.
Leslie:
The money I made could go into trips, you know what I mean? Like more recreational things or legacy building things, like I said, like investments and leaving money for our grandchildren and that sort of thing. I didn't want to be in a situation that if, unfortunately, I could not work any longer, that we would lose our home, that we would lose our car, that we would lose basic access to basic needs. And there was a time in our marriage where that was not the case. We had built a life off of dual income, where my income was the higher, right? And so when things would get tight or when my husband got laid off, man, the pressure of that almost took us out. And I said in that moment, this is not what I desire for myself. This is not the life that I desired to carry our household. So I'm cutting across the field and cutting this story short, because this isn't necessarily about me, it's about you. But we had to work through, and we had to change some stuff.
Leslie:
I had to give up some creature comforts. Like, the house I live in now is not my dream home, but it is the home that my husband could afford easily, right? Stability became more important to me than flexing. Stability became more important to me than being a slave to my business. And so I had to change some things. So my question to you is, how important is the stability in your mental and spiritual and emotional space to you? What do you really desire if you desire to be the main income earner in your home? Okay, so let's sit down and talk about what that looks like. Let's sit down and talk about the responsibility that comes with that. But if you're like a lot of the women who I know and coach and have conversations with, that ain't your desire. And I'm here today to encourage you to own that.
Leslie:
It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you less of a feminist because you have a desire to be cared for financially. We must start with truth. If you want to have a healthy relationship, if you want to keep the relationship you have and you want it to grow into what you desire to be, it must start with truth. And at the heart of truth is desire. So what do you want? Girl, I'm talking to you. What do you want? If your desire is not to carry the financial burden, the financial heaviness, the financial responsibility in your relationship, own that today. If your desire is to do that, own that too.
Leslie:
But we got to start this conversation about how do we make our relationships more supportive, more nurturing, and have longevity in it from a place of desire. So what do you want? I'd love to hear it. I'd love to hear how you feel about it. What are your thoughts? Can we be honest? Until next week? I love y'all mean it. Nothing you can do about it. This is going to be a tough series for some of us, but I am believing and trusting God in the fact that it's going to bear some fruit, it's going to shift some things, and you gonna get some peace and space, because the more peace and space you have, the more room you have for creativity. And the more room you have for creativity, the more money you're able to go out and make. All right, my loves, until next week.
Leslie:
Y'all take care. Grace and peace.